


Shards of Fragmented Despair

by Polkat (aralias)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: April Showers 2015, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-10-11
Updated: 2003-10-11
Packaged: 2018-03-20 23:19:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3668916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aralias/pseuds/Polkat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trapped in the family home he thought he'd left behind forever Sirius finds the line between past and the present, father and son blurring; finds that Azkaban broke him after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shards of Fragmented Despair

**Author's Note:**

> Uploading old fic for April Showers 2015. All spelling/grammar errors left as originally posted.
> 
> Original author's note: 
> 
> Basic Key:
> 
> Italics are memories I.e. the past. Or emphised words… I'm sure you'll be able to distinguish the two.
> 
> Secondly: This has only been rated PG-13 on the suggestion of my friend David who told me that G implied it was a children's story. Shards most definitely is not. It's an exploration of a man going mad, so if that's not for you I'd go find some nice R/S fluff [see my favourites list perhaps] now before it gets started.
> 
> Thirdly: On that note Remus and Sirius are both straight in this story as I needed Sirius to be closer to James than he was to Moony so please whatever you do don't write me a lovely review ending it "and I loved the sexual tension between Remus and Sirius" because I've tried… really I have and hopefully there should be none because the relationship between them is STRICTLY PLATONIC.
> 
> Thank you: Losselen [for giving me a title that wasn't "Siriusly Unhinged"] David [for reading story and pronouncing it worth posting] Smithy [for helping me bounce ideas off] and Becca [for correcting all my grammar and getting rid of the parts than without diagrams to explain would be completely impossible to understand.]

_"Hurry up."_

_"I can't go any faster."_

_"Try; someone's coming…. Jesus James, watch where you're putting your feet! You just stepped on my ear."_

_"Sorry."_

_"No you aren't."_

_"Good point"._

_"Just get a move on Prongs."_

_A silent step. "Why Mr. Black, what an unexpected pleasure."_

_Sirius whirled causing his friend's balance to fail at last and James crashed from his shoulders to the floor._

_"And of course, Mr. Potter is here as well," the professor remarked amiably. "How kind of you to favour me with your company."_

_"Good evening sir," James remarked politely as if he were not sprawled across the potion's dungeon, caught once again next to an open restricted cupboard._

_"Those ingredients were stored up there for a reason, Potter. I need hardly point out that reason was not merely to make the challenge of stealing them more exhilarating for yourself and Mr. Black."_

_"Stealing sir?" Sirius asked mortified. "We would never-"_

_He trailed off as Professor Birch lifted one thin eyebrow. "Please follow me boys." Then, almost as an after thought "And empty out your pockets first."_

_They trailed after the swirling ends of his purple cloak towards Dumbledore's office, both laughing silently so as not to attract the potion master's attention. "How many times has he caught us there now?"_

_"Must be at least twelve," James smirked. "You'd have thought he'd have better security spells by now."_

_Sirius grinned back._

_"Oh well, at least if they expel us we'll be expelled together."_

 

"What d'you think?" he concluded nervously, watching the boy's face.

His godson didn't reply but he didn't need to. The fear that had been absent before broke out across his features and he suddenly looked very young and very small **,**  and not at all like James any more.

"Don't worry," he said quickly and Harry looked up with eyes that were Lily's. "I'm sure they'll clear you, there's definitely something in the International Statute of Secrecy about being allowed to use magic to save your own life."

_"But if they do expel me, can I come back here, and live with you?"_

_"Great, can I live with you?"_

_"Sure mate. Just don't bring your girlfriend – what's her name again, Jane isn't it?"_

_"Jean."_

_"Mitchell right? I went out with her once?"_

_"Twice."_

_"Mentions it a lot does she?"_

_"Never."_

_"Anyway leave her at home. Not sure I could stand walking in on the two of you again. Gave me nightmares for a week last time."_

_"If you agree to wash your socks occasionally- consider it done."_

_"I_ do _wash my socks."_

He smiled; hoping Harry didn't see the pain welling behind his eyes.

"We'll see."

"I'd feel a lot better about the hearing, if I knew I didn't have to go back to the Dursleys' again."

Having Harry here…

He muttered something about how much he hated Grimmauld Place and then Molly called and the conversation was over.

"Sirius?" Remus' voice echoed through the house. "Are you up here?"

Where else would I be?he thought angrily.

"Sirius?"

"WHERE ELSE WOULD I BE?!" he yelled causing Buckbeak to shy away from him and curl up on the other side of the room. "You and Dumbledore have had me locked in this bloody house for the last month!"

The doorknob rattled. "Padfoot, I know you're upset-"

"No, Remus you have no idea just how upset I am."

The werewolf's voice came stiffly back through the door. "I might if you'd deign to tell me."

"Forget it!"

_"LEAVE ME ALONE SIRIUS, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BAD MY LIFE IS!"_

_"You could tell me; then maybe I'd be able to see how the life of Perfect Potter is worse than my family, Pete always been out shined and Moony… well I dunno how it could be worse for Moony."_

_"You wouldn't understand."_

_"Then explain!"_

_"FORGET IT!"_

_"FINE!"_

"Grow  _up_  Padfoot!"

Lupin began a number of other sentences, none of which were particularly complimentary, then he sighed, long and haggard, and Sirius heard the sound of him slumping against the wall. "I know you've had a bad lot in life and that it might be news to you but so did I." There was a small bump as his head rested against the ugly wallpaper. "Listen," he said softly through the door. "I've got to go in about ten minutes-"

"Where?"

"Edinburgh… I just wanted to make sure you were ok… before I went."

"Never been better," Sirius replied sarcastically. "Thanks for asking. Anything else to disclose before you go waltzing off into the Scottish Wilderness again?"

"Yes." He paused briefly. "Dumbledore's here; he wants to see you."

The door swung open. "About going with Harry?"

Remus looked tiredly up at him from the floor. "I don't know."

Sirius beamed quickly at him and bounded down the stairs, grimacing as he did so at the line of elf heads across the wall.

_"I did tell you that you didn't want to come round for the summer."_

_"I can see why you didn't invite the others. Moony would've bolted."_

_"Ah yes," Sirius remarked bitterly. "Home sweet home, eh?"_

_"Er… I dunno, your house seems-"_

_"Fouler than the deepest depths of hell? Disgusting? Dark? Ugly? Horrific? Stop me when I've reached the adjective of your choice."_

_"I was going to say interesting."_

_Padfoot rolled his eyes. "Course you were."_

_An awkward moment passed before James asked hastily: "where do I hang my cloak?"_

_"Over there by the umbrella stand."_

_James looked dubiously at the troll's foot and then at the row of coat hooks. "On second thoughts, maybe I'll just keep it."_

_"You do that."_

"Ah Sirius, come in please."

"You wanted to see me."

"Yes, I did." The younger man seated himself across the table and looked expectantly towards the older.

_"Well?"_

_"Sirius I understand James Potter has chosen to make you his Secret Keeper." The headmaster closed his eyes and steepled his fingers together in front of his face, thinking. "I cannot stress firmly enough the importance of your position and that you_  must _stay hidden during this time. Do you understand?"_

"Well?"

"Sirius." The twinkle that usually shone from Dumbledore's eye seemed to have vanished. "You must understand that I cannot allow you to accompany Harry tomorrow."

"Well I'm sorry sir, I don't see that."

"By now Pettigrew will have informed Lord Voldemort that you are an Animagus and he in turn will have instructed his Death Eaters to look out for Snuffles. It is not safe for you to go outside and I am not losing another member of the Order just for this hearing."

"Like it would really matter to the Order if I ever returned." Sirius flicked moodily at the table, "it's not like I'm actually  _doing_  anything here. The Order doesn't need me."

"Sirius I know you're frustrated

Echo: _"Padfoot, I know you're upset -"_

But, like it or not there are two people within this house at the moment who need you very much. One is Harry Potter-"

"So why can't I go with him? He needs me to be there."

"No he does not," Dumbledore replied firmly. "What he needs is for you to stay alive; the boy has already lost two parents."

Sirius glowered at him "That's only one person."

 _"But then… why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless… unless_ he _was the one… unless you switched… without telling me?"_

Dumbledore looked over the top of his glasses. "Remus never told you exactly what happened after Lord Voldemort fell?" he asked, once again creating the impression that he was not inquiring for information, merely to tell Sirius he knew.

"No but I don't see…" he trailed off.

"Maybe you should ask him."

But Remus had already gone; leaving behind a note pinned to the door:

_Sorry. Sometimes I forget- please forgive me._

_~Moony_

_P.S Will bring you back a rabbit to chase._

_Bring enlightenment to your prison._

He scanned it again and ripped the sticking spell, crunching the paper in his hand. Why was Remus sorry? He raised the fist holding the paper to his face briefly, inhaled the crisp scent before throwing the small paper ball across Buckbeak's room.

What had he become?

It was late when he awoke the next morning. Buckbeak appeared to be trying to dig something out of the floor boards but in the curtain induced gloom it was hard to tell. He groped around for his wand and waved it lazily at the curtains.  _"Pateorum"_

Blinking in the new light he raised his left wrist. It was blank but as he forced himself to concentrate thin black lines spread out across his skin into a clock face that read half past eleven.

_"That has to be one of the freakiest things I've ever seen."_

_"That's opposed to, you know, things like the pickled rats in potions and all those times James bungled his animagus transformations in fourth year?"_

_"Well you two chickened out."_

_"It was your potion," Peter pointed out. "And green and kinda lumpy."_

_James chose to ignore this critism of his potion making skills. "Anyway, I agree with Moony. That watch is seriously weird."_

Sirius chuckled. "You're just jealous," he told the phantoms of his past. He looked up expecting to see James grinning back at him but…

_"James!" he screamed desperately, running, stumbling towards what had been their house. "Lily?! ... James?!"_

Prongs was dead, he reminded himself gazing back at the tattoo on his wrist that still read half past eleven as it faded.

_"It's very useful you know."_

_"Useful but creepy."_

_"This coming from a man who grows fangs once a month."_

He shut his eyes; trying to block them out. His time in Azkaban was over.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

But the Marauders continued to talk cheerfully in his head. It was over. He didn't have to go back there ever again. He was free. They'd find Wormtail soon and bring him in. He was free.

Would be free. Would be over.

_"Why Minister; what an unexpected pleasure."_

_Fudge jumped and fiddled with the edges of his bowler hat. "Mr Black…."he faltered, obviously trying to think of something to say. "You're looking well."_

_Sirius suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. "You too Cornelius… How's everything going in the ministry? As you may imagine I don't get much news inside here."_

_"Fine… well, as well as can be expected." He unfolded a newspaper from the pocket of his cloak and handed it through the bars nervously. "Here, take this… I really must be going now."_

_The convict favoured him with a wane smile. "Thanks. I miss doing the crossword, y'know."_

I'm going mad.

The thought rang like crystal in his fractured mind.

Survived Azkaban only for…

this.

oblivion.

He blinked firmly again. He wasn't mad. He was Sirius Black for Merlin's sake. Sirius Bloody Black: ladies man, heartthrob, top of every class, member of the Order of the Phoenix, destined to go far and the only person to have ever escaped from the  _inescapable_  wizard's prison.

Destined to go far.

Not destined to rot in his parent's obnoxious house.

He smiled grimly. It seemed destiny had managed to screw everything up. Again.

_"Destined to go far."_

Shaking his head slightly, trying to rid himself of them, he rose uncertainly to his feet and padded to the door. The lock clicked under his fingers and he walked uncertainly down the kitchen.

Molly was standing over the stove stirring a large saucepan of something as he slumped into one of the chairs.

"Good afternoon Sirius."

Afternoon?

He stared back down at his wrist.

Five past one.

"Did you sleep well?"

What? "… not bad."

"Are you hungry?"

"No… where's…"

_James_

"…Harry?" He picked up and knife and started carving a pattern into the table top. "Polishing more of my family's ugly candlesticks?"

"I sent the children out. He'll be back in about an hour I expect but as it's the hearing tomorrow I thought he might like a break."

Ah yes the hearing. He allowed himself to hope futilely that she had forgotten about his meeting with Dumbledore.

She stopped stirring and turned around to face him. "Dumbledore agreed with me, didn't he?"

"About what?"

"About going with Harry, and he's quite right you know. It's too dangerous-"

"Yes  _thank you,_ I have been told and told and-"

Her voice rose higher. "Sirius I have your best interests at heart-"

"Well it'd be nice if you didn't shove them down my throat at every opportunity-"

"I beg your pardon."

"You still believe I'm still an irresponsible teenager; one of your sons perhaps-"

Her eyes snapped dangerously but he didn't notice and wouldn't have cared if he had.

"That is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard."

"Too right it is. I'm not your son and neither is Harry! He's  _my_  godson do you hear and I'm not going to let him just go off to that hearing alone no matter what you or Albus Dumbledore have to say about it, GOT THAT?"

"He won't be alone! Arthur will be there!"

"HE NEEDS  _ME_!"

" _YOU_  NEED  _HIM_! HE WAS FINE UNTIL YOU CAME ALONG AND YOU KNOW THAT! WHEN WILL YOU GROW UP AND STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD?"

"You can wait in my office until it's time for the hearing," Arthur remarked cheerfully at dinner.

Sirius was still fuming from his shouting match with Molly and concentrated on pushing his vegetables around his plate as Harry's eyes slid onto him.

"Professor Dumbledore doesn't think it's a good idea for Sirius to go with you, and I must say I - "

" – think he's  _quite right,"_ he finished for her.

He awoke the next morning to the sounds of Remus being quiet. He tried to ignore the soft clicks of cupboards being opened and closed, and the fire being re-lit but eventually Remus turned to his attention to the Sirius and the various alcoholic containers gathered around him.

"Gor way" he grunted as his friend tried to prise the whisky glass from his fingers. "Sleepin'"

"In the kitchen… in your clothes."

"Whisky here," he explained, trying to slump further forward over the table but finding it impossible. "'Sides, didn' wanna miss 'Arry going." He yawned and massaged his eyelids with thumb and index finger. "How was Scotland?"

"Cold. Miserable."

"Dunno why you even bothered going if the scenery's so similar."

"Fewer elf heads on the walls and no sulking best friends." He looked up to see Lupin grin. "A very slight improvement."

Sirius located a pile of napkins slightly to his left and threw one in the direction of his friend. A foot away from him it unfolded and fluttered to the table top. Remus' smile became a chuckle which grew louder and more joyful as more napkins joined the first.

Sirius grinned at him and flicked his wand over the next one. "Laugh it up while you can wolf boy."

The now soaking cloth hit the werewolf squarely in the face; laughter mingling with the firelight.

Another hour passed and Remus eventually fell asleep while Sirius was half way through a sentence. He tried to be offended but his friend had obviously been up all night and in the end he merely conjured a blanket that hovered and eventually fell around the werewolf's too thin shoulders. He wondered briefly if he looked as old as Remus did. Not yet forty.

_"Remus, mate, there's something we need to ask you."_

_"Moonstone."_

_"What?"_

_"Your sleeping potion. You're going to ask me why yours was green when it should've been purple, right? You didn't add the moonstone."_

_Sirius continued to look confused but fortunately James had finally grasped what was going on. "Something else."_

_"What?"_

_"Well you know you're going to see your mother next week?"_

_The corner of Remus' eye twitched slightly. "Yes."_

_"Well Siri and I," Sirius growled slightly, "sorry,_ Sirius _and I, were wondering if perhaps we could come too, y'know, keep ya company for a bit."_

Thirty seven going on sixty.

Remus smiled slightly in his sleep.

He's thinking about the Marauders too.

He can hear them-

I'm not-

_"Well… what do you see?"_

_"It's just us… lets go, this stupid thing is broken."_

Without knowing why Sirius reached across the table which became older, ingrained with diagrams of Quidditch formations and  _J.P 4 L.E 4eva_ , marked with stains where candles had overflowed centuries before. Remus too had changed, was now twelve and scared and behind him-

Sirius sat back in his chair and James vanished. The man the twelve-year-old had become snored faintly.

Maybe if he reached across again-

Fingers touched fingers and Remus awoke with a start. "What is it Padfoot?"

Sirius fell back into his chair and stared at the ceiling so Moony wouldn't see the-

"Nothing." He closed his eyes against-

"Go back to sleep."

He didn't remember falling asleep but he must have done because soon it was five o'clock in the morning and Molly had bustled into the kitchen in a purple dressing gown that had long ago lost its shape, turning on all the lights that Remus had politely left off and beginning to make the first tea of the morning. Remus had leapt to his feet as soon as the lights had flared and was now wandering hurriedly round the kitchen pretending to help. Sirius caught his eye from the table he was still slouched over, apparently caught in a drunken stupor and winked.

It was too early for tea anyway.

Lupin looked for a moment like he might say something to Molly but eventually grinned back before emptying a large caldron of water over his friend's head. "Rise and shine Siri."

Sirius spluttered and managed several curses before he wished he hadn't as Molly's eyes flickered onto him and the glass that Remus had not managed to hide before her appearance.

"Sirius, perhaps you'd like to take a bath. Remus and I will continue to prepare breakfast without your-" her eyes moved from the whisky glass to the bottle and back onto Sirius "help."

Remus glowered at him as he re-entered. "Enjoy your bath?"

"Enjoy helping Molly?"

"She made a number of comments about how irresponsible you were which made it slightly more bearable."

"Excellent, I'd hate for her to lose her memory this early in life. Morning Tonks."

The blonde woman at the table managed half a smile before it dissolved into another yawn. "Too early to be m-morning."

Sirius grinned slightly before sitting back down next to Arthur who was wearing another interesting collection of muggle clothes that didn't match and a nervous expression.

"Are you worried?" he asked quietly so his wife wouldn't hear.

"No," Sirius replied, realising he meant it.

_"But if they do expel me, can I come back here, and live with you?"_

But that wasn't what he wanted- was it?

No. Of course he didn't. He didn't want James-

Harry to be expelled.

He shook his head and changed his answer. "I mean, yes, yes I am." That was the truth.

"I'm sure he'll be fine," Arthur replied reassuringly.

"Yes I hope so." His good mood faded like blood from a face full of fear. "He better be."

Across from him Remus and Tonks were discussing their latest work and Sirius tried to concentrate on what his cousin was saying about Eric Scrimgeour.

Head rested in hands.

It was getting worse.

Molly had just sat down when she leapt to her feet again. Sirius' eyes flickered to the doorway where James stood uneasily.

"Breakfast," Molly announced as Sirius examined his best friend. It was as if it were not James standing there at all, merely a very good copy of him that had been produced by an artist who had never seen the real thing.

James was never uneasy.

"M – m – morning, Harry."

_"James!" he was sobbing now as he ran, knowing the other would never reply; the dark mark bathing the street.. "James?"_

The others talked comfortably to Harry about his trial; nobody noticed that Sirius hadn't said anything yet.

"Don't lose your temper. Be polite and stick to the facts."

Was that right? It sounded the kind of thing Remus would say and was, therefore, probably good advice. Harry nodded.

"You'll be all right, Harry."

"Good luck, I'm sure it will be fine."

A spark of the old Sirius flared briefly inside him. "And if it's not I'll see to Amelia Bones for you…"

He was rewarded with another watery smile as final good byes were said and Harry was bundled out of Grimmauld Place without him.

_"Remus never told you exactly what happened after Lord Voldemort fell?"_

"So why am I here Sirius?"

_"No but I don't see…"_

He shut the door. The air in the room smelt old, like clothes that have not been worn for a long time and he wondered why he hadn't noticed it before and opened the windows so the cool morning's air flooded into the room and flickered over the curtains.

"There's something I should've asked you a very long time ago." He positioned himself comfortably on the floor against Buckbeak a leg sprawled out over the floor and looked up.

A shadow flared across the werewolf's face as he sat down in the moth eaten armchair next to the bed. "About the time you were in Azkaban."

"How did you know?"

Remus tried to smile. "You weren't the only one Dumbledore spoke to the night before I went to Scotland." His eyes closed and he leant back against the faded purple headrest. "He said about a year ago, that you had a right to know if you wanted to, but you never did, so I never told you."

"I never really thought about it."

"No. I know."

The silence grew louder until he felt he had to speak again merely to break it. "If it helps it can't have been much worse than Azkaban."

Remus shut his eyes more tightly, until bird's feet appeared round the sides of them. "No I know it wasn't," he almost whispered, "couldn't have been." Another pause that seemed to last forever. "I visited you once, remember?"

He thought. "No… I can't remember much at all… except that everything was very grey. Not black exactly, but it was as if everything was drained from the world until all that was left was this grey sadness, through which we could see what the dementors were doing to the other prisoners but nothing else."

_"Tell me you didn't do it."_

"I asked you to lie to me," he tried to laugh; the eyes remained closed. "Or what I thought was a lie. I wanted to know one of my friends was still alive somewhere but… you couldn't… by then you couldn't have told me your own name."

"…when?"

"About a month after… that was the worst time I think. When I had finally accepted what had happened had happened, a transformation had come and gone alone and Harry Potter, the boy who lived, was famous. The rest of the world was out celebrating and I was visiting the shadow that had once been my best friend, needing to know that there had been something real and not just ten years worth of lies. It got better after that. After I knew you weren't coming back," he stopped and Sirius caught a glimpse of the man that had existed fourteen years ago; broken. "After I realised you had never been there in the first place."

"What did you do during the time I was in there?" he asked, suddenly wondering why he had never bothered to before.

"Oh I don't know," Lupin replied airily, but the skin around his eyes tightened once more. "Nothing important really."

"Moony… _please_  tell me."

"Well…" his voice crackled slightly. "Firstly, I suppose, I got fired. "

"You what?"

"I got fired Padfoot, there's no need to shout about it. I wasn't turning up for work very often and when I did I …lost track of things, what was happening around me, kept hearing James… and you and… Peter. Mr Gates was very kind but…" he trailed off.

"But what?" Sirius asked despite himself.

Remus looked at him at last; sorrow shining out. "Well," he remarked softly as if perhaps discussing the weather, "I was a broken man with nothing left to live for, except I suppose, the promise of Harry who I wasn't allowed to see. If I hadn't been fired I would've quit within a week."

"And after that?" he prompted.

"After that there was a week or a year or a month when I just sat in my house hating myself and the world, and you in particular for ruining the first two. Dumbledore came to see me a couple of times I think and eventually I recovered enough to go out and get another job as a librarian, the destiny you'd always teased me about. The irony didn't escape me but I was happy for a while… and then they found out what I was and I spent another week that felt like a year wandering round Hogsmead, half hoping the Marauders would reappear. But it seemed I was cured and another job came and went and another and then you escaped and I came to work at Hogwarts. I met Harry for the first time and then it turned out you'd been alive all this time, hidden by Pettigrew's lies."

 _"But then… why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless… unless_ he _was the one… unless you switched… without telling me?"_

He leant forward slightly in his chair. "And so, I wasn't the last Marauder any more. I'm not the last one left alive, which means," he explained hoarsely, "I can live again."

"HE GOT OFF, HE GOT OFF, HE GOT OFF…"

"SHUT UP!" Molly bellowed and the war dance drew to an abrupt end.

Harry was not to be expelled. He had known it was coming of course but not that the incredible pain wrapping itself around him like Devil's Snare would follow. He forced himself to keep shaking his godson's hand every time one of the Weasleys released it. "Well done Harry… so proud… knew you'd get off..." but once he finally managed to escape, the broad smile slipped from his face. Harry had gotten through the hearing without him; he would be going back to Hogwarts and Sirius would be staying here forever. Maybe he could convince Dumbledore to let him go down to the train with Harry…

And maybe Lucius Malfoy would start working in Muggle Relations.

He spent another night in his mother's dust smelling room.

And another.

Occasionally Remus or Tonks or Harry would try and speak to him during a meal time but the reply was always short, precise and unfriendly. He ignored the hurt glinting; none of them had to stay locked up in this second prison; none of them had survived Azkaban and been destroyed by it. Not even Remus could possibly understand.

Another dismal lunch had ended and he stamped moodily back up the stairs towards Buckbeak's room, hoping nobody would try to stop him again.

"He'll have company! It's the Headquarters to the Order of the Phoenix, isn't it?" Hermione's voice pierced the shabby air and reached him on the second floor landing. "He just got his hopes up that Harry would be coming to live here with him."

"I don't think that's true," his godson replied loyally. But it is true Harry, it is. I can't stand living here alone, again. Not after everything that's happened. I just - can't do it-

"And he probably felt a bit guilty himself, because I think a part of him was really hoping you'd be expelled. Then you'd both be outcasts together." He ducked into Buckbeak's room and slammed the door quickly. Not moving away from the room's entrance he sank to the floor and buried his head in his hands.

It was over then.

_"James dear, do we know those people?"_

_James Potter looked around, tried not to laugh and turned back to his wife. "No, never seen them before in my life."_

_Lily rolled her eyes. "Then_ why _is Sirius holding up a sign that reads Oi-James-you-git-let-us-in-the-door-is-locked?"_

 _He turned back again and the Marauders in the small square window of the hospital door waved frantically, beaming; Sirius waved the sign. "Oh_ those _people. Yes I do recall seeing them around somewhere before. I'll just go let them in, shall I?"_

_He kissed her quickly on the cheek and went to open the door for his best friends who fell eagerly into Lily's hospital room._

_"I can believe you kept us waiting outside for so long!" Sirius bellowed, sweeping James into a hug. "I saw about five of Lily's friends come and go while we were in the tea room."_

_"Well it's more a girl thing isn't it?" James apologised. "I didn't know if you guys would want to come…"_

_They all looked horrified and he laughed. "Obviously I was wrong."_

_"Too right you were," Peter admonished as Remus moved over to congratulate Lily. "So where is my godson?" Sirius inquired cheerfully. He seemed to think St Mungo's was too quiet by far and was taking steps to personally remedy this._

_"Sleeping, well… he was. I doubt if he is any more," Lily remarked dryly as James disappeared off to find his son. Remus made the mistake of laughing with her and Sirius bounded over to tell him off for agreeing with someone else._

_"Padfoot."_

_James had returned, with a small white bundle clasped gently in his hands. He held out the sleeping child._

_Slowly, and suddenly nervously, Sirius took the baby from his friend and stared down as Harry's eyes opened: a perfect copy of Lily's. His godson smiled shyly up at him and Sirius felt an answering grin spread slowly over his own face._

_"Hullo Harry... I'm Sirius."_


End file.
